


Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses

by nihilBliss



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Dildos, Dirk Strider is a mess, Equine Dildos, Fantasizing, Humor, M/M, Mild Transphobia, My Little Pony References, Oral Sex, POV Third Person Omniscient, Pegging, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Self Confidence Issues, Sexual Humor, Trans Jake English, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-09 20:49:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20123623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nihilBliss/pseuds/nihilBliss
Summary: "So how do I…""For gosh sakes, Dirk, you just put your lips around it and suck!"For the ardor of his words, Jake couldn't help but giggle. Put anything in front of Dirk and he'd handle it without blinking. Anything, it seems, except for a trans man's genitals. But, lucky for Dirk, Jake has a backup plan.





	Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses

**Author's Note:**

  * For [galaxicPeach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxicPeach/gifts).

> CW: Dirk isn't sure whether or not he can deal with Jake's genitals, and he's staked his entire sense of validity as a boyfriend on it. Jake takes it in stride, but if Dirk being confused about Jake's man-cave is something you don't want to read, click elsewhere.

"So how do I…"

"For gosh sakes, Dirk, you just put your lips around it and suck!"

For the ardor of his words, Jake couldn't help but giggle. Put anything in front of Dirk and he'd handle it without blinking. Anything, it seems, except for a trans man's genitals.

"Which part? The, uh, lips? The… I don't know what you want me to call it," Dirk grumbled.

"My cock," Jake said, indicating the inch-long nub that throbbed in Dirk's face.

"So I just suck this like any other dick? And you're going to feel good? I'm not stomping over some secret button that makes the bottom fall out and drops our nascent sex life onto a pit full of bamboo stakes?"

"Jolly good adventure metaphor, Dirk, but I didn't invite you to my man-cave to banter," Jake said, smile ever-boyish. Dirk sighed and wrapped his lips around Jake's cock in a gentle kiss, licking the tip. Jake gasped at the sudden overstimulation, bucking his hips into Dirk's face. But Dirk pulled away, stumbling backwards.

“Fuck, did I go too hard?” he asked, frantic tone undercutting his ever-impassive expression.

"You're fine!" Jake insisted. "The only thing you did wrong was to stop, you silly goose!"

Dirk shot upright, pacing around the bedroom, tangling his fingers in his hair. 

"This was a bad idea," he said. He never should have suggested they try getting intimate like this. Too many complications, too many unknown factors. Make-outs and fumbling gropes through t-shirts and khakis should have been enough. Just because they weren't teenagers anymore didn't mean they had to stop acting like it. Someone was always going to get hurt if things got this far, and if Dirk had to dive on that particular antipersonnel mine, so be it.

"Dirk, what's wrong?" Jake said, sitting up on their bed.

"Never should have pushed for this," Dirk declared. "I don't know what I'm doing and I'm going to fuck up. This was doomed from the start and it's all because I can't get over my stupid fucking hangups over…" 

He gestured vaguely at Jake's crotch, knowing full well he was putting a stake through the heart of them. Jake looked down, following Dirk's gesture. He crossed his arms.

"I understand."

Dirk stared in shock. Understand?

"What."

Jake shook his head.

"No, no, I bloody well saw this coming," he said. "I understand completely."

Dirk stared as stone-faced as he could manage, though dread pooled in his gut and radiated out from there. He braced for a pain he knew there was no way to brace for. Jake stared him straight in the eye, gaze piercing through Dirk's glasses straight into his fractured soul.

"You're a size queen."

Dirk blinked.

"A… wait, fucking what?"

"Look, there's no shame in it," Jake said. "You like getting rogered in the tradesman's entrance, and I'm just not hung enough to bugger you the way you deserve.”

Dirk, having never seen a deer, did his best impression of a ten-point buck in the headlights of a jacked-up Ford F350 with a bed full of armed hicks. A creeping notion that he was caught in some fever dream wormed its way into his mind. Had he eaten too much cheese before bed or something? Was that rye bread packed with hallucinogenic mold? Or maybe he had briefly left his body and was being fed on by a horrorterror?

“But it’s fine!” Jake went on, oblivious. “Like I said, I saw this coming and took measures to make sure I was prepared.”

Oh dear lord. Dirk didn’t know panic could feel like this.

“What did you do?” he asked, voice smaller than he’d ever heard it, throttled by his efforts to keep his composure.

“Well, as my vegan friends say, if you can’t use meat, you use meat substitute,” Jake said, bashful as went to grope under the bed. He returned with a plain cardboard box a little over a foot long, its top already open. Dirk clenched every muscle he could as Jake reached in and pulled out what was undeniably a dildo.

But it wasn’t just a dildo.

It was thick, almost cylindrical, with an understated flare at the head and a girthy medial ring. There was nothing realistic about it, but it was clearly intended to be equine. This was less a silicone approximation of a horse cock than it was a caricature, a cartoon horse cock, rendered in sky blue.

“You are the best boyfriend on this fucking planet and I don’t want you to ever forget that,” Dirk said. Jake grinned that bashful grin, and Dirk melted.

"Fetch my harness, love," Jake said. "I'd be chuffed if we could try it out."

Dirk nodded, and after a few minutes of fidgeting with straps and stretchy rings, Jake stood proud and heroic with a fat pony cock pointing out from his crotch and a small vibrator beneath for his pleasure. Jake grasped the shaft - his shaft - and wiggled it experimentally.

"Now correct me if I'm wrong, but you quite enjoy being talked down to during sex, right?" Jake asked. Dirk nodded, staring at the sky-blue cock, mouth watering, his own member already painfully stiff in his pants. Jake, now sitting on the bed, had a look Dirk didn't recognize, one he would place on anyone else as mischievous. 

"Why don't you have a seat on my lap?" Jake asked. "It's the perfect place for a cock sleeve like you."

Dirk gulped the gulp of a man consumed with thirst. One snap of his fingers, and his clothes vanished. Another, and lube glazed the cleft of his ass. One more slicked the dildo. Then Dirk climbed onto the bed and squatted onto the fat head.

“Wait, do you need to, er, clean yourself out?” Jake asked.

Dirk looked aside.

“I’ve been on an all-liquid diet for the last week,” he said. “My butthole is so clean it could lead a condescending anti-drug assembly for a big city elementary school with a clear conscience.”

“Wait, a week? You only asked me to try this a few days ago,” Jake said. Numbers cascaded through his mind. Before they could sum to an embarrassing revelation, Dirk forced himself down onto the thick head, which shoved its way into his hole. The stretch crossed ache into stinging pain, more than he was ready to take unprepared, but that didn’t stop him. Pain anchored him to his body, made this Dirk the only Dirk that mattered for a moment. Dirk liked a little pain, and he hoped the way he panted and chewed his lip as he speared himself on that silicone cock told Jake that he was enjoying himself.

“Wow! That’s, uh… is it big enough?” Jake stammered.

“Big enough?” Dirk panted, half-wanting to sob. “It’s amazing. Fuck, your cock is amazing.”

Jake sighed relief and rocked his hips up into Dirk, drawing a gasp that melted into a pitiful groan. Dirk’s voice shot into his head, and he swore in the highest voice Jake had ever heard out of him. It was more like an extended whimper as Dirk slid up and down the thick cock. He squealed as he hit the medial ring and pushed down, popping over its girth. His hole burned like hell, but in his prostate, paradise reigned. Every nerve sang a hallelujah chorus in the key of fuck me hard.

Dirk cried out in harmony, gravity dragging him hip-to-hip with Jake. By this point, Jake had turned his vibrator on and was thoroughly delighted with the sensations it sent through his body. Dirk pressing on the dildo pushed it tight against Jake’s vulva, pinning the vibrator and channeling every lovely pulse up Jake’s spine.

Dirk drooled and rocked himself up and down on Jake’s shaft, pain dissolving into pure, overwhelming pleasure.

Jake bucked his hips in time with every rise and fall of Dirk's twinky figure. Each made Dirk squeak and squeal with need. Eyes pinched shut, Dirk didn't notice how his mind drifted. But he couldn't miss the sensation of lightning shooting up his cock.

"Oh gohhgfuck…" he slurred. "I'm close… don't fucking…"

Jake heaved Dirk onto his back and took the lead, slamming the pony dick into Dirk's needy ass with abandon.

"Gosh, me too… oh Dirk, I fucking love you!" Jake groaned as the vibrator drove him over the edge, thrusting erratically as his legs quivered.

"Oh fuck, Dash!"

Dirk screamed the words before all language left him, and he burbled as his cock drooled onto his taut belly. His whole body felt aflame as his ass clenched around his boyfriend's equine cock. All the world was sensation, and for a moment, he knew peace. Limply, he tapped Jake's arm, overwhelmed.

Jake pulled out and curled around Dirk, strap pressing against Dirk's ass. Gosh, it was nice. He switched the vibrator off and pulled his boyfriend onto his chest.

"How was it, love?" Jake asked. Dirk groaned a happy groan, managing a thumbs up to make his point. He didn't deserve a guy like Jake. This was too good.

"I like that nickname," Jake said. "I am rather dashing, aren't I?"

Dirk crashed into himself like an inattentive driver on a busy interstate. What nickname had he… oh, fuck, he hadn't. He couldn't have. He was drifting, maybe fantasizing a little, but… no. No!

"Huh?" Dirk's only defense was to play dumb.

"You called me Dash when you came," Jake said. "Quite within my idiom, no?"

"Uh-huh," Dirk managed, now paralyzed by shame. Finally, he had a taste of what he'd dreamed of, and he'd already poisoned it by thinking about cartoons mid-sex. When Jake inevitably brought it up around others - no, not the Earth Beta kids, their world ended before that could happen, just Jane or Roxy - it would all come to light. He'd be a laughingstock.

"Mmm, I love you, Dirk," Jake cooed, kissing Dirk on the head.

Maybe he could deal, Dirk thought. This, here, was well worth a little derisive laughter.

"Love you too."


End file.
